Can my parents still safely live independently? What red flags should I look out for when it comes to dementia and other health issues? Are their will and powers of attorney up to date? How will our relationship change as they age?

 

We hear these kinds of questions from listeners and clients all the time, especially as Canada’s population ages. And they are topics we have worked through personally as we care for our own aging parents.

 

Tackling these questions is never easy, but the first step is an honest, informed discussion.

 

Laura Tamblyn Watts, CEO of CanAge, has been working in the field of aging for twenty-five years and saw a gap in supporting people who are caring for aging parents. She says that there are plenty of books dedicated to the nine months women are pregnant, but she could not find a guidebook for the decades that people may be supporting their parents.

 

So she decided to write one.

 

Let’s Talk About Aging Parents: A Real-Life Guide to Solving Problems with 27 Essential Conversations addresses four main areas of concern you may have as your parents get older:

 

1. Living situations: Are they able to age in place? Do they need in-home care? When is the right time to consider long-term care? How do I know what the options are?
2. Mental capacity: Are my parents experiencing cognitive impairment? Who will make decisions for them when they are no longer able to? What legal documents do they need to sign and when?
3. Relationships: How do I navigate my changing relationship with my parents? How are their relationships with others changing? How do I cope with caregivers’ guilt?
4. Health: What warning signs do I need to watch for? How do I get my parents the care they need? When is it time for them to stop driving?

According to Tamblyn Watts, how you approach these conversations with your aging parents is just as important as what you say. Coming to terms with aging and all of the challenges that come with it can be difficult. Your parents may not want to acknowledge that anything is changing, much less talk about it.

 

If you are struggling to have the tough conversations with your aging parents, here are some of Tamblyn Watts’ suggestions to break the ice:

 

Start building discussions into your regular routine. For example, use tax season as a trigger to talk about finances. Help your parents make appointments with their accountant, financial advisors, and even their lawyer. Ask questions like: Can they afford the quality of care they want? What happens if they are no longer able to make financial decisions? How do we properly document their wishes?

 

A birthday is a great time to talk about health. Schedule annual appointments with your parents’ healthcare professionals. Mention any you have noticed in their health over the past year. Ask questions like: Are they still able to drive? Are they healthy enough to live independently? If not, you need to make a plan.

 

Having a trusted team of professionals - accountants, financial advisors, lawyers, healthcare providers - that has your parents’ best interests at heart can make these conversations so much easier.

 

Having a plan for what to say and when is ideal, but you cannot always count on it. Conversations are often triggered by a specific event, for example a fall or a diagnosis. And Tamblyn Watts says that is okay; you cannot get ahead of everything. However, you can use that event as a tool to address not only the current issue, but how your parents want to handle other aging-related challenges.

 

One of Tamblyn Watts’ biggest pieces of advice is to avoid acting like you are the parent. You will always be your parents’ child and it might do more harm than good to tell them what to do. Instead, try asking them for their opinion. For example, I’m thinking of redoing my will. What are your thoughts? Is your will up to date?

 

Another way to test the waters is to ask what their friends are doing. If your parents are experiencing health issues and you are wondering if it is time for them to move out of their own home, ask if any of their friends have moved into assisted living facilities and how they are liking the change.

 

Overall, it is important to be realistic about who your family is. As Tamblyn Watts says, “This isn’t Leave it to Beaver.” If your family disagrees about what to do for your parents as they age, lean on resources like this book to help guide you through it. Tamblyn Watts says a good rule of thumb is to play to your family members’ strengths. If you think your brother is sponging off your mom by living in her basement rent-free, remember that his presence may actually allow her to stay in her house safely for longer. You may be better at helping with finances or researching community-based services.

 

There are no hard and fast rules to having tough conversations with your aging parents, but talking early and talking often can help you make the most of your time with them.

 

If you are interested in learning more about Let’s Talk About Aging Parents: A Real-Life Guide to Solving Problems with 27 Essential Conversations by Laura Tamblyn Watts, click here.